“There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me.” ~ A Grief Observed
So I listened to the book-on-CD of C.S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed this weekend. Not having a lot of experience with books-on-CD, I was surprised and disappointed when the narrative came to such an abrupt halt at the end of the second CD. Turns out the book itself is only 76 pages long.
Of course I knew a little bit about C.S. Lewis: that he wrote the Narnia books, that he was a professor at Oxford, that Anthony Hopkins played him in Shadowlands, that he wrote The Screwtape Letters, and felt free to talk and write about God. Come to find out he is what is known as a “Christian apologetic” and, according to an Amazon Review, he “had an answer for everything” regarding God, until he “experienced crushing doubt for the first time after his wife’s tragic death.”
Funny, my father’s death did not cause me to question God. On the contrary, I relied on my belief in God and the other world heavily. I never experienced Lewis’ slammed and locked door when I approached God for answers. Mostly I felt awe, wonder, and gratitude for what I perceived to be a very thin veil between this life and the next. But my father was 77, and I had possessed his special love all my life; unlike Lewis, who
discovered a whole new world, and self, with the love of “H.” only to lose that world a mere four years later.
Two main things Lewis says stood out to me, and they relate directly to the grief resurgence I’m experiencing as I head “back to the drawing board” to write about teaching Hamlet when my father died.
~ “No one ever told me that grief feels so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.”
I’ve been swirling around, gathering and organizing ideas and information, making note, but haven’t actually started writing the new scenes yet. I thought, gee, seems like approach-avoidance, why am I acting like I’m afraid to start writing? But Lewis’ insights made me think: maybe what feels like fear of writing is actually the sensation of grief creeping back into my daily consciousness.
And what he says about laziness really resonated:
~ “And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief.
–I loathe the slightest effort.”
That’s me!
So, maybe what I’m experiencing is not a lack of will to get down to work. Maybe it is honest to goodness Grief, and the Fear of Going There again? What if instead of feeling guilty about my delay–Hamlet!!!!!–I accept it for what it is?
“Let be.” [Hamlet V.ii.338]
And then, perhaps, as a traveler to that “undiscovered country” of grief, I don’t need to dread the trip, but rather I can try to squeeze everything I can out my time there.
#cslewis #undiscoveredcountry #hamlet #agriefobserved #griefwriting